Thank you COVID for ruining my life. I had everything figured out and now nothing seems to go my way. Surviving a family crisis during COVID is especially difficult. Let us be honest managing parenting time with my three children and my two ex-partners was daunting even before these trying times. Dealing with school drop off and pickups, day care, lunches, snacks, activities for the kids, birthday parties, and the every-day needs of three children in addition to meeting the agreed parenting plans was enough responsibility.
I wonder if you can relate. After years of trial and error and several mediation sessions, (yep, it is true, mediators really do use mediation), I finally had a plan that mostly worked. Pick up kids from school on Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other Friday. Overnights at my house 2 nights a week and every other Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Phone calls and texts to make sure the kids were ok and did not forget about me when they were at their respective moms’ houses. If anyone needed something it was a quick phone call, and we could figure something out. It was generally understood that none of us were going to get exactly what we wanted but all approached the issues with a general sense of negotiation and problem-solving. Overall, I felt lucky with how things have worked out. However, I also often felt I was barely hanging on as a parent only managing to keep up with everything by the skin of my teeth. Of course, holidays have always been tricky.
Then COVID happened...and everything is different and harder.
My relatively smooth routine seemed to crumble before my eyes. The stress of health and well-being of the kids and the family results in me not seeing my kids as often as I want. I sometimes feel as if one ex is using this pandemic as an excuse to overhaul our parenting plan. I get the impression she thinks I am selfish or insensitive for asking to see my kids during this time and that I am putting them at risk if I want to continue to follow our carefully crafted parenting time. It is easy to get caught up in the emotion of events and lose sight of what is important. I must be careful to not fall victim to the trap that stress causes and remember that my ex-wife wants the best for my children in the same way I do. Tensions are rising and I can’t seem to solve this on my own. What am I supposed to do?
Additionally, holiday time has completely exploded. Pre-COVID, every year there was one meltdown or another whenever the agreed-upon plan devolved. A conflict would always come up over Uncle Joe’s holiday party or Grandma deciding that this year it was very important that we all go to church together. You get the idea. Yet in the past, we were able to work it all out. Now, we are involved in lengthy arguments about how holiday schedules need to be changed, what should be done to keep the kids safe from COVID, and oh yeah, going to church is an extra touchy subject this time around.
Am I finally justified to go to court and hope the judge will see it my way? If you have experience with divorce court, you're aware that before I can even get a judge to make a decision, mediation will be ordered (or strongly recommended) which feels like an additional obstacle. This whole experience is anxiety-producing. All I want is for my kids to be safe and healthy. During times of stress, it’s the routine that helps me feel like I’m okay. The idea of not having a regular time with my children or to be able to celebrate family events like I have in the past scares me. The idea that my loved ones could get sick or the very act of getting together could make things worse scares me.
I also wonder what my kids are going through. Not only did they have to get used to a routine of two households but now their routine of continual movement could put their health at risk. This is the core concern that I have. I regularly remind myself that as life creates obstacles and opportunities that there is a way to make a plan that will work for this season.
If I’m honest, COVID has made it difficult to see clearly. So as I get ready for this Holiday season, here are some things that I always keep in mind. Some of these may work for you.
Acknowledge that Things are Different Right Now
Everything has changed: work, shopping, school. Therefore, it is not surprising that parenting time will have to change as well. I can make a plan that works for now. If I take a moment and realize that they are going through the same stress that I am, I can have an opportunity for something different than a season filled with fighting.
You Can Only Control How You React to Situations
I can control how I react to situations. We are all experiencing stress and If I try to control the situation or my kids’ moms it never seems to work out. It’s better to come together to figure out how to make this the best for the kids during this time. Just because we had a plan in place does not mean that it will work during these COVID times.
Remember What Has Worked in the Past
As I’m sitting down again to address needs and concerns about parenting, all I can do is remember what has worked. Remember that I have had great times with my children and family and I will have them again. As circumstances change during this global health crisis, I can take the time to remember that we are all going through this.
Fight the Urge to be Selfish (Recognize When/How You’re Being Selfish)
I need to fight the urge to be selfish. I can think of what it is like for my kids through this time too. What does it feel like to go back and forth between different households wearing masks and possibly being exposed to COVID the more they go between households?
Focus on Using Clear Communication
Clear communication has seemed to always work. As circumstances changed and our needs as parents changed our approaches to parenting has needed to change. Understanding the key to creating and maintaining a foundation of trust is built on open and honest communication. This means that we will disagree and need to resolve these disagreements. When there is an open dialogue taking place, it is easier to trust each other when coming up with plans. When communication is not happening, the result is a combative decision, increased stress and anxiety, defensiveness. The ones that truly suffer are the children and they miss out on fluid quality time with their parents.
Seek Help Through Mediation
As I am having difficulty achieving clear communication on my own this is when mediation enters the picture. Having someone neutral whose purpose is to facilitate conversation and problem solving is helpful. It often takes another perspective to be able to ask the questions that no one is thinking of. Stress causes a sense of tunnel vision and an acute purpose to achieve one goal. This primitive thinking is helpful to solve problems of danger and safety but often makes it difficult to find creative options that work for everyone.
Remember There Are Options and COVID Will End
There are opportunities out there to have happy and healthy family time together for all of us involved. Times like these will pass and come around again in other forms. What we learn from this can influence how we approach new circumstances. Remember that you have learned new skills and approaches and found value even during difficult times. When the next event comes around, you’ll be ready.
Every parenting situation is different. There is power in using a neutral party to help wade through the twists of feeling and information that make decision making during these times difficult. sometimes all it takes is someone else's perspective.
Not every tip works for everyone or in every situation. These are the tips that work for me.