COVID-19 and Familiy Tension

Social distancing and self-isolation amid the COVID-19 pandemic put pressures on family dynamics and communication. This is normal for any group of people contained in an area for an extended periord of time. Here are some tips to help your family navigate some tense moments, disagreements, and arguments. These don’t constitute a magic wand. They require focus, effort and practice.

Acceptance: The first thing to take note of is that tension and arguments will take place. Don’t be surprised that it happens to you and your family. Disputes are natural; if we didn’t have them, then there would be no progress, innovation, growth or invention. We’d all think alike and be boring. So, just know that things will get difficult at times. Luckily, though, you can mitigate the impact.

Clenan Up: In a time when control of our daily lives is in question, cleaning rooms gives us some sense of control. Not to mention it is nice to have a clean house (or even a few rooms). We cleaned the kitchen the other day, arranged small appliances, etc. and got a feeling of accomplishment. It affected how we view our daily lives in isolation. This was a bit difficult with the 2yr old running around, but it was worth it. It gave us a boost and made time go by a bit quicker. And, it’s clean!

Don’t Escalate: When an argument starts to get heated, chances are it will continue to heat up. This can lead to escalation. The goal at this point should be to find ways not to make things worse.

Go over the Five Pillars of Conflict

1. Position and Interest: This is finely illustrated during presidential debates. How many times have the candidates been asked a question and they never answer it? They either talk about their record, the other candidates, or something totally different. They are positioning themselves to “win” an argument; not to address the question or interest behind the question. Same goes with all of us. We tend to focus on winning rather than addressing the concern.

   Take a step back and look at the situation. What is the interest—what do you want? What do they want? Why do you/they want it? The why is the interest, the position is what do I want and how am I going to get it? It may sound simple, but in the heat of disagreement things gets cloudy.

2. Remove Toxicity: Obvious examples of toxicity are yelling, cursing, and insults. But other little things can create a toxic environment, which can only add to the tension. Passive aggressive behavior (refusing requests, procrastination, stubbornness), sarcasm, getting the “last word”, and what I call parting jabs (those quick mutterings that are designed to get under their skin) are also examples of toxicity. Most of these come on the edge of emotions and depart from the substance of disagreement.

3. Don’t Assign Mmotivation:  (This pillar is especially strong when it comes to online communication. So much is lost, or not included, in texts, emails, even video-conferencing).

   A common factor underlying arguments is the unknown; “why did they say that?”,  “why did they do that?”  Our natural instinct is to fill that unknown void, and if we don’t know the actual answer, we’ll make it up. During an argument or disagreement, these made up answers for why someone did/said something alter your perception of the situation and can make a foggy situation worse. So, don’t assume you know the reasons for ohters’ behavior. While not knowing is less than ideal, assuming you know just makes matters worse

4. Separate Person from Problem: A big one. Often, the person becomes the focus of an argument and not the problem—“you always do this”, “you’re not even listening”. Not only does this escalate the tension AND entrench positions AND ignore the interests, it drives a wedge between you and them, possibly a permanent one. When you sense yourself starting to look at the person in a different light, stop and refocus. When they do it, kindly move the conversation back to the issues (“We can talk about me later. Let’s get to the issue”).

5. Intent and Impact: Ties in with assigning motivation, but in a way, the reverse. We don’t know why someone did/said something, but we know how we are impacted. Yet, they may not know how we are impacted. If the impact is not communicated (or if it’s dismissed), then tension can increase. So, keep in mind that if something impacts you in one way, it may not have been the intention. And if you intend something, know that it may have a different impact.

Relieve the current status/tension:  Get out of the situation. Go for a walk or a quick jog. Try to release your tension in a safe way. Clear your head. Get out of the oppositional space.

Communicate that you’re stressed: But don’t just walk out.  Inform the other person that you’re stressed and getting upset. “I need to take a walk for a bit. I’ll be right back.”  Or, if that is not possible, “Ok, timeout. I need to calm down. Please give me a little while.”  Maybe take time now to agree upon a “safe word” first (before arguments) When you’ve calmed down, cleared your head, and shifted attitude. When things get heated, use the safe word so that both/all parties understand that a break is needed.

Don’t judge emotions:  “No reason to get angry” is dismissive and minimizes someone’s emotions. There may be plenty to get angry about and no one knows how you feel except you. Emotions are neither right nor wrong; they just exist. They should not be suppressed or evaluated, yet they can be acknowledged and managed. Pay attention to their emtions and yours. Be honest with yourself, at least, and realize when emotions are being neglected.

Apologize: An apology can go a long way. Apology for being wrong, for making someone angry or sad, for getting angry, for yelling. Just saying “I’m sorry” may be ok, but clarify why you are sorry. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just got angry and didn’t mean what I said.” No blaming

Blame game: Don’t be like the politicians. Blaming just escalates. Sure, someone may be at fault, but how does blaming them get you anywhere? Learn from the mistake.

Seek to understand your emotions: What agitated you? Is it something serious? The way someone said something? Or was it something earlier that just keeps popping up?

Seek to understand their emotions: This may come a bit later because they might not understand their emotions. Then again, in the moment it could be useful to convey empathy and allow others to vent. They could be frustrated because you’re not noticing (or even dismissing) their emotions. Don’t push it and say something like, “I want to understand your emotions, what are they?” Be mindful about how they’re reacting or pushing for something.

Hopefully, these tips can help you navigate home-based difficulties during this difficult time. Be safe. Be kind. Be patient.

Turnover in Senior Care

Today, the senior care, home care, and assisted living communities face many challenges that will not go away any time soon. Of those, staff turnover is a major contributor. Senior care providers face four main obstacles when recruiting, hiring, and retaining skilled and dedicated staff.

1.       Wages. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the median annual pay for Nursing Assistants was $28,540 in 2018. For orderlies the median pay was $28,060.

2.       Recruiting. The need for these positions will face a 9% increase through 2028. Competition to fill these positions will also increase.

3.       The reality is that these jobs are stressful physically and emotionally leading to high burnout rates.

4.       Team cohesion. When people work together over time, they develop a sort of symbiotic relationship. They get to know each other’s work ethics, communication styles, and personal and professional preferences. Staff turnover prohibits this bonding.

So, what is a senior care facility, for example, to do? 

Team cohesion, while not automatic, is much easier with a retained work force. To be sure, every team needs maintenance; like an effective complaint protocol, personal communication, and tools to prevent, manage, and resolve disputes. But first, the staff needs to be there.

The physically and emotionally challenging aspects of these jobs will most likely not go away. Yet, what can be done is to not add more stress for the staff. They have enough on their minds. This can be done in a variety of ways. One way is to improve the communications among staff, with management, and with patients and their families, who are also stressed. When people are stressed, they tend to make errors in judgement and take things out on others—nurse assistants and orderlies for starters. Improved communication skills can lessen the impact of stressed exchanges.

Stress isn’t only at work, though. Staff members have families and families have their own dynamics, which can be stressful. Providing your staff with external resources to address, reduce, and alleviate these centers of stress can help your retention rates.

This can, in turn, help recruiting. If your facility offers external resources to help with staffs’ families, then that just may be enough to keep them from leaving. The caveat is that the staff must be aware of these resources, how to use them, and then to use them.

Finally, we come to pay. It could work out that the money saved from not having to train new employees can be used to increase wages. And if those external resources can be provided to patients and their families, then that can increase your customer base, which increases your revenue. And that can help increase wage levels.

All of this leads to maintaining a more cohesive and efficient team, which must be maintained, that will enhance your overall bottom line and business.

8 Things to Expect in Mediation

Mediation is increasing in popularity, mostly due to courts mandating disputing parties to at least try it before court proceedings commence. Some counties offer mediation services to its citizens and mediation services are available for hire. But, most people are still unsure about mediation; what it is, how much it costs, when to use it, and why to use it. So, let’s start clarifying some of those:

1. What is mediation?

   Mediation is a process in which a third party neutral (the mediator) helps parties find, develop, and agree to a solution to the issue in dispute. Quite often, this issue is not the only or most pressing issue in dispute. Mediation can help clarify and address those as well. In most mediation practices, the mediator does not formulate or dictate any solution (this would be Arbitration). The mediator helps parties communicate, clarify their points and concerns, vent their frustrations, brainstorm ideas, and “reality check” possible solutions.

2. Are mediators lawyers?

   Some are, some are not. Mediators do not have to be attorneys; but they have to be skilled in mediation. Mediators cannot give legal advice or counsel, even if they are attorneys. Once the "mediator hat" goes on, no legal advice can be given. Knowledge of the legal and court systems helps, though, to perform what we call "reality checks" on ideas, assumptions, and possible agreements. It can also help in contractual situations or when previous orders are in place.

   On the flip side, attorneys are not automatically mediators. Mediation and Law are distinct disciplines requiring different skill sets. While these sets share some similarities, the importance is in the distinction. This is addressed more below.

3. How much does mediation cost?

   The better question is, “how much does it cost not to go to mediation?” But we’ll answer that in a bit. Mediation rates take three things into account: money, time, and division. On the money side, mediators usually charge by the hour and that can range from $100-$500/hour. It’s probably safe to assume they charge similar rates as attorneys—but that doesn’t me they cost the same. On the time side, the number of hours is what makes mediation affordable. Most mediations require approximately 3-5 hours. Total. So, a five-hour mediation at $200/hour costs $1,000. Then the division is applied. Each mediation is a shared-session between the parties, so they share the cost. Each party pays $500. For most mediation providers, their cost equation would look like this: (Cost/Hour x Number of Hours) / Number of parties (usually 2). The division is not automatic—the parties have to decide for themselves if this is how the fees are paid.

   Now, there’s usually a filing fee, or administration cost, or some other application cost. This can range from $20 and soar to $4,000. It’s important to ask about this possible fee.

4. Ok, so how much does it cost not to go to mediation?

   That depends on several things: Court fees, attorneys’ fees for each party, length of court proceedings, appeals, legal retainer, etc. Some court avenues can take months to be adjudicated or settled by attorneys. In the above equation, $200/hour x 6 months (no division, since each party has their own legal representation) can reach into tens of thousands of dollars. Some cases require court adjudication, many do not. Mediation has a success rate right around 80%, so it’s no guarantee. But compare $900 to $20,000 and the reasons not to mediate dwindle.

5. When to use mediation?

   Hopefully, mediation is at least discussed as soon as possible during disputes and disagreements. Mediation can be used any time, and judges have ordered parties to mediation. The best thing to do is to call a mediator or mediation service. Some (like us) offer a free initial consultation for each case to discuss if mediation is appropriate (e.g. for domestic violence cases, mediation is not appropriate), a quick Q&A, and possible next steps.

6. Why use mediation?

   When a judge hands down a ruling, it’s non-negotiable (it can be appealed, but that’s neither cheap nor quick). There is a winner and a loser. The job of legal counsel is to get a “win”. There are two things this ignores: Is the judgement inclusive, and is the judgement sustainable? A judge doesn’t rule on personal relationships, how one feels, or restoration of one’s personal identity. Rarely is a dispute about one issue, so ruling on one issue often leaves other issues unaddressed. Mediation can address other issues, even those that may be hidden or ignored. This leads to the second pitfall; an agreement or solution that is developed by the parties themselves is significantly more sustainable than an adjudicated one.

7. What should I do if I want mediation?

   Contact a mediator or mediation service to discuss your situation. They will then outline next steps including Agreement to Mediate, a Fee Agreement, scheduling, and other important issues.

8. Ok, so what should I expect?

   While mediating is complicated, the mediation process is quite simple. After scheduling a mediation, all you have to do is show up and be forthright. If you don’t approach a mediation in good faith, or if you don’t show up, then it won’t work. Once both parties have arrived, the mediator will go over ground rules and have you sign some paperwork (some may be required by a court, or government agency where applicable). After paperwork, the process is up to the mediator. Some will want both sides to state their concerns; others may go straight to problem solving. Again, be candid to the mediator.

   Everything discussed in the mediation will remain confidential. If you would like to discuss something with the mediator in private, you may request a caucus—some mediators “build in” caucuses in their process. This allows for a little maneuvering around sensitive topics and keeps the process moving.

   Remember, the goal is to understand a problem and come to an agreement that satisfies your interests. Coming to an agreement for its own sake is counterproductive and can be damaging. Good mediators do not push for an agreement or persuade you to decide on a certain outcome. You own the result.

Of course, there are obstacles to mediation. The first is the default reaction we have to disputes that has been ingrained in us for decades: To win. Many people are reluctant to mediate because the think they will miss their chance at winning. Yet, winning a case is not the same as securing the best solution or solving a problem. It may be gratifying to be awarded a judgement or decision, but how far does that go? Is the problem solved 100%? If awarded a financial judgement, how is that enforced? And how long did it take; how much money did you spend?

The second hurdle mediation faces is that it is voluntary (unless ordered by the court). As mediators, we cannot force a mediation. As a result, many cases go to court only to be ordered to mediation, all the while the parties accruing costs in legal and attorney fees.

And finally, the third obstacle is that mediated settlements are not legally binding. It is up to the parties to uphold any agreement with the knowledge that if they break it, they're actions will not look good in future court proceedings. These obstacles seem to always get in the way, yet can be overcome in a single phone call.  

Denver’s Top Mediation Services 2020

More and more non-criminal court cases are being ordered to mediation . Often, the first question people have is, “how do I find a good mediator near me?” or “ok great, who do I call for mediation?” 

Here is a list of the best mediation services in Denver that are available throughout the Denver metro area. It's a good idea to look them over and choose the one that suits you and your case. Some have international reach while others are local. Note that the term “mediation” is used loosely and it is important to understand what to expect from each mediation service. Ask for clarification and make sure you and the service are on the same page.

1. JAMS - $$$$ - International

   JAMS is the largest private mediation firm in the world. Their rosters consists of former judges, magistrates, litigators, and attorneys. While JAMS focuses on arbitration, they provide mediation and litigation assistance services, with settlement as the top priority during mediation.

2. JAG - $$$ - Colorado

   JAG also consists of former judges, focuses on arbitration, and prioritizes a settlement conference style in mediation.

3. OvalOptions for Conflict Management - $$ - Denver Metro; Colorado; National

   OvalOptions differs from the first two in two important ways:
   1) Their roster consists of experienced mediators from diverse backgrounds.
   2) Problem solving and improved communication take priority in their mediation style as the mediators help parties develop their own settlements.

4. Office of Dispute Resolution - $$-$$$ - Colorado

   A State funded program that uses a contractor model for mediation services. Scheduling is handled by each mediator and their styles vary.

5. Private Mediators - $$-$$$$

   These would be through a private practice or a law firm. Mediation styles vary from settlement driven to problem solving.

   Mediation Association of Colorado - free - Colorado

   Not a service provider but a database of mediators. The MAC supports mediation as an effective means of resolving disputes of all types.  They help connect the public and the courts to qualified professionals who address the needs of a diverse population across Colorado.

3 Crucial Considerations for Living Arrangements When Separating

You are likely going through one of the most stressful times of your life. Separation and divorce can be an emotionally tough situation filled with sadness, loss, fear, and anxiety. Often the first bridge you and your partner will cross will be living arrangements and crossing that could be a bridge you never took into consideration. Unsurprisingly, living arrangements can be an extremely difficult discussion to resolve. A marital home is usually a couple’s most valuable financial asset, and as such, is a strong focus of litigation. Before beginning the actual process of divorce, speak with your partner and consider where you, your partner, and your children if you have them, will live. Devise a plan with this information, create a list of expenditures and a budget around all of the shared expenses, and be transparent when it comes to your finances. Clearly state who will pay what and keep track of all of your spending, personal or otherwise. Make sure you go over these on a regular basis. These are challenging matters of discussion and if you find you’d like the help of a conflict resolution specialist, please feel free to contact us.

Now, when it comes to where you will live, here are three things you should consider before the uncoupling process is in full swing:

1. Who Keeps the House?

   The marital home is often the desired location as it provides familiarity and a sense of stability during turbulent times. For parents with children, this could also be a serious consideration as neighbors and playmates can provide an excellent source of comfort support. Ultimately, when it all comes down to it, financial reality can be the determining factor in who retains the marital home. If either parent is unable to assume a mortgage with just one income, this can create some complications (pre-qualifying for a loan is an excellent strategy for divorce negotiations). Make sure that the list of expenditures you created is detailed and includes utilities, maintenance, insurance, even possible future repairs that might arise down the road i.e. a new roof or new water heater. There is always the option of continuing to own the home jointly, but you should carefully consider whether or not you want to remain financially attached to your former spouse.
   

2. Who Moves Out?

   For some people, the idea of relocating and starting over with a clean slate can be a more appealing option. However, a spouse who typically covered all of the household bills should expect to continue paying many of the household expenses, including the mortgage and insurance payments.  This could be problematic if the person moving out was the spouse who took care of these finances to being with. In these circumstances, renting is usually the most ideal option as having two mortgages might be a financial impossibility. Plus, renting could free up cash flow for other priorities, and maintenance emergencies will be someone else’s responsibility. Naturally, if children are involved, you will want to find a place that is accommodating to their needs as well.
   

3. Do We Stick it Out?

   Financially, some people simply cannot afford to support a second household. For couples experiencing a battleground in their household, this could be a less than desirable situation, however, temporarily speaking, this might be the most reasonable option. Some parents might want to preserve the family unit for the sake of their children. Figuring out how to amicably cohabitate will be a challenge. In this case, it would be wise to set ground rules as if though you were moving in with a new roommate and it is important to understand the importance of civil communication (even if communication is minimal). Focus on the fact that this is temporary and that all things must pass.

Every relationship and divorce is unique and different. What works for one separating couple might not work for another. Consider every one of your options carefully by weighing all of the financial, practical, and emotional aspects and be sure to ask yourselves the hard questions.  If spouses can’t agree on a separation agreement they will wind up in court where a judge will determine how the property is divided. This is one of the benefits of going to mediation versus going to attorneys. Even if you mediate, you still have to deal with the appropriate court procedures but the mediation process can allow you to filter through some of your emotions with the hopes of working through the fog so you can make rational decisions. It allows you to think about what is and is not important. What things are worth negotiating and what things are worth giving in to, in the interest of moving on. It also allows for a more collaborative process of negotiation rather than digging your heels in and fighting for everything. Getting through the confusion and turmoil of a divorce may be easier if you are better informed about the process before it begins. 

We understand that you and your spouse are not experts when it comes to uncoupling and that these conflicts can be extremely painful and exhausting. At this stage, it could be beneficial to bring in a third party with the experience to help you both maintain control and negotiate a more mindful way of moving on to a peaceful resolution. Contact us today.

Brewing Industry Issues: Top 5 Common Disputes From Last Year

As 2020 rounds the corner, we take a look back at the top 5 issues of 2019 that came our way from the brewing industry this year. The below list represents about 6% (our direct reach) of the U.S. craft brewing industry, so extrapolating to the whole should be done with caution. However, we think it can be safe assume that most breweries encounter at least one of these issues throughout any given year.

Top 5 Disputes in Brewing for 2019:

1. Management/Partner/Investor Disputes
   Probably shared with many other industries, but tension among business partners, managers, and investors ranks first in 2019 (just like 2018 and 2017 when we started keeping track). Such tensions and disputes affect production, workflow, capital support, and overall function. It should be no surprise, then, that #2 is affected by the top spot.

2. Team/Staff Tension
   Not every issue with staff can be traced back or linked to management disputes, but many can. If the top is dysfunctional, then expect the middle and lower levels to reflect this dysfunction. Combine this with another route to tension: A team is a collection of unique (diverse and different) individuals brought together to achieve a common goal. Communication, trust, and understanding are critical to this mission. Often, these are lacking, or at least not effectively achieved, resulting in decreased production and an increase in turnover.

3. Consumer Relations Issues
   Again, we can see correlation with the previous two. Dissatisfaction among the staff can seep into the consumer pool.  This is mostly evident via social media and online reviews. Handling of complaints and criticism requires certain skills and a degree of patience, and possible politics.

4. Contractual Conflict
   Terms in contracts are almost always disputed to some degree in any industry. For breweries, it seems the contractual terms disputed most often reside in distribution contracts, followed by leases. While contracts themselves are rarely re-worked, the terms can be clarified or adjusted in some cases. Some contracts have arbitration or mediation clauses, which is a great idea.

5. Government Disputes
   Usually local disagreements in zoning, water management, waste, access, etc.

We estimate that the average cost for each issue can cost a brewery approximately $83,000*. Most of this average is tied up in the first 3 since they are rooted internally, although navigating zoning/inspection issues can incur obvious delays in operations. Unfortunately, internal costs are not so obvious or considered by breweries when tensions materialize. No one thing costs $83,000, but many little things add up; turnover, training, legal fees, lost production, lost/stolen time, gossip, sabotage, tardiness, quality control, all play a role in the final figure.

Most of these, and others, are manageable prior to incurring high costs. Disputes with government seem to be unavoidable and least flexible. Some issues are not appropriate for our services and we refer them elsewhere. Yet, our services can reach beyond and behind small business functions like family issues with staff members, or individual dispute assistance. Reducing stress at home decreases the chance of that stress being brought to work and affecting business operations. This is difficult to measure, however, and not included in the above estimate.

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*There are many factors that go into this estimate. See www.ovaloptions.com/documents to calculate your costs more accurately. Things like advertising a staff position, training materials, attorney fees, etc. can vary and is reflected on the downloadable document, “Cost of Internal Conflict Calculator in Businesses”.

11 Tips to manage holiday conflict with the family

Happy Holidays!

Have you made an excuse not to go someone’s house for the holidays? Are you stocking up on booze? Have you issued a family press release that lists topics not to be discussed?  Yup, it’s that time of the year when tensions can escalate, and conversations go awry. This just adds to the “normal” holiday anxiety—shopping, travel, traffic, endless Santa commercials, black Friday, cyber Monday, “seasonal” music, and so on. The anxiety builds…

There are things you can do to help make the holidays less stressful. So when Aunt Judith asks when you are going to get married, or Uncle Ted wants to discuss what’s wrong with your generation, or mom just wants everything to go perfectly, take a deep breath and consider the following:

How can I avoid holiday stress with my family?

1. Don’t create fiction

2. Think about intent vs. impact

3. Recognize that the problem is not the person

4. Avoid loaded or toxic language

5. Prepare for tense moments ahead of time

6. Don’t anticipate conflict

7. Honor differences in one another

8. Be honest and verbal in defining your boundaries

9. Don’t use holiday time to confront

10. Exercise active listening

11. Acknowledge emotions

Don’t create Fiction

Many times, we don’t know why somebody did, or said, something, yet we have a need to know. So, we make up the reason and it’s rarely accurate. Creating your own narrative for someone else’s actions is bad enough, but it creates a domino effect. Pretty soon, everyone is involved in an elaborate fiction. It affects your view of the situation, your perception of the person, your view of that person’s future actions, how you respond to them, and the relationship between the two of you. Those are just in the tip of the iceberg, too. Oh, and trust is damaged.  

Intent vs. Impact

The distinction between what we intend with our actions/words and how those impact others can be subtle yet extremely important. This doesn’t mean that any impact is false or unjust. Any offense taken is still taken, even if none were intended. But, moving past the incident is easier if the intent and impact are clarified and accepted.

Problem not Person

Once the focus shifts to a person and away from the problem, tensions can escalate. This comes in several forms, form name-calling to ridicule to attacking the integrity of a messenger. Yet, it’s so easy to fall into this rut and difficult to get out as it almost always creates a cycle of personal attacks. Meanwhile, the problem persists, grows, becomes more intractable. A simple example of this is breaking down a sentence in subject/predicate form: “How did you break your leg?” implies that YOU broke your leg seemingly on purpose. But the problem is the break of the leg. Applying this to other instances can be tricky, but take a breath and see if you can spot the Problem/Person connection…and don’t do it yourself!  Cousin Jerry isn’t a gossip, it’s the spreading of stories that’s the problem.

Loaded or Toxic Language

Name-calling, vulgarity, personal attacks, passive aggression are a few examples. However, not-so obvious toxicity exists in abundance. Leading and loaded questions, false conclusions, lying, sarcasm, and rhetorical questions can put others on the defensive and reduce trust. A good example is in the question, “where are you going so fast?”  Well, by responding with a location, you’ve just admitted to going “so fast”.  It’s a leading question; leading you to admit something. It takes a careful eye/ear to pick up on such examples, and using such language inhibits open conversation and trust. Keep away from cursing, yelling, finger pointing, sarcasm, and judgement.

Preparedness

Understand that there will be tense moments and you can prepare for them. This does NOT mean that you should start building a strong argument so you can “win” or beat the other person in debate. Your primary goal should be to reduce stress and the first step is to not increase stress. Getting involved in a debate increases tension. Be prepared to not debate: walk away, don’t counter, let them talk.

Anticipation

Have you ever dreaded a situation, but then afterwards realized, “well, that wasn’t so bad”?  Anticipation for an event can be worse than the event itself, and can actually add fuel to an unlit fire. Keep in mind that other family members may be experiencing the same dread and be already tense.  One small spark can ignite a firestorm. So, don’t “play out” the situation in your head over and over again—knowing just what they’re going to say and how you’re going to respond.

Understanding Differences

We are all different, including you and your family members. Being different, and having different experiences, thoughts, and opinions is okay. Understanding that someone thinks differently is not the same as adopting their thinking. And it’s okay if you don’t understand why they think differently. Understand that not everyone will agree with what you say, think, believe, feel and do. Convincing them can be futile (and not the point).

Self-Truth

A little bit of soft honesty can go a long way. Honesty about yourself, not other people.  If you are uncomfortable talking about something, then say so…and give a little bit of an honest explanation to help others understand what you mean. They may keep pushing. Try to disengage or ask them to stop. IF they keep at it, then realize that it’s about them, not you. They need to vent for some reason. You may have to separate their issue from your person.

Confrontation

The Holiday season is no time to initiate confrontation. If you would like to confront someone, wait until later. If someone confronts you, say you understand and you both can talk about it later. There is simply too much stress to address disputes constructively during holidays.  Maybe agree on a time/place after the holidays to talk things over. But, don’t use this as an excuse to not talk about it.  This will only make next year worse.

Active Listening

A more involved approach that requires three things: patience, silence, and rephrasing. If you really want to talk about something, then you should listen as well. Be patient while others are talking, be quiet, and repeat what they say in your own words. This has several benefits:

1. Helps you understand what they’re saying,

2. Provides them an opportunity to clarify what they mean, and

3. Signals to them that you are actually listening. This isn’t easy at times, especially when emotions are getting revved up.

Emotions

Yes, those things. Emotions are not wrong or right. They just are. Don’t minimize, judge, or ignore others’ emotions. Acknowledge that they feel a certain way, or ask them. Pay attention to your emotions, know when your blood pressure is ticking up, and make others aware what you’re feeling (if you’re comfortable with that). Chances are they haven’t read this article, so keep that in mind, too.  

Some issues cannot be resolved. Others may take time.  This is no magic wand that cures all, but with just a little bit of effort, understanding and patience (and maybe a touch of acceptance) can turn that holiday nightmare into an enjoyable time. Again, the goal is to reduce stress, not win an argument, humiliate someone, or talk trash.

How to Choose a Mediator

Mediation can be the saving grace you’re looking for when caught up in a dispute. From parenting time to separation agreement to land use to business functions, mediation can help people, groups, and companies save time, money, and stress while resolving conflict issues. But how do you choose a mediator right for your situation?

Much like selecting an attorney, you want a mediator who is experienced with situations like yours. Unlike selecting an attorney, however, this is not paramount. The most important aspect of a good mediator is her/his skills in mediation, their mediation experience, and background in mediation. While content expertise (e.g. contracts) is rightfully sought out, it is not always necessary. A mediation requires someone with expertise in mediation first and foremost. A mediation conducted by an unexperienced mediator can be disastrous and inflict more damage and escalate the dispute.

So, what to look for.

Experience

Each mediation is unique and serves as education for the mediator. At the same time, certain aspects of mediation (and disputes) repeatedly show up, albeit in various forms. Mediators with years of experience are knowledgeable and adaptable, who can navigate situational muddy waters to help parties with their dispute.

Education

Some mediators are (also) educated and/or trained in mediation or other conflict management methods. Others might be also be attorneys or have their J.D. And many others have degrees in other fields, plus mediation training.

Location

Ideally, mediation should take place in person at a location that offers privacy. This isn’t always possible, and videoconferencing can be utilized if available.  Some mediators work out of public settings (coffee shop, cafeteria, etc.), some have shared, community office space, and others have their own office and meeting rooms. You should select which every format with which you feel most comfortable.

Rate

Mediators hover around the $200/hour range, with some topping $500/hour. Affordability is always a consideration; keep in mind that the cost of mediation is usually shared by the parties. So, don’t let the per/hour rate shock you, just divide that number by the number parties.

Attorneys

Some attorneys are mediators, some mediators are attorneys. What’s the difference? In basic terms, it’s the mindset. Attorneys are advocates for their clients. Their goal is to put forth a compelling argument that favors their client’s chances of achieving a legal win. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself. In a mediation situation, “winning” isn’t the goal. Mediators are trained to put aside biases and deflect persuasion to one party or the other. That some mediators are also attorneys helps with some legal language and circumstances that are pertinent to the case and how agreements can be formed and/or applied.

Mediation Style

To many people’s surprise, there are different styles of mediation from Facilitative to Evaluative and everything in between. Some mediators have mastered two, maybe three, of these styles. It is very rare to have mastered them all. Finding a mediator with the appropriate style for your case can be challenging. If you are not sure which bests fits your case, or cannot find an appropriate mediator, then contact a mediation services provider. They have the knowledge to vet mediators’ experiences and styles, and to match them with the specifics your case demands.

It may be appropriate to utilize a dual-mediator model as well. Having two mediators may cost extra, but it also provides several benefits: One, having one male mediator and one female mediator can balance the sense of bias, even if there isn’t one. This is helpful in separation/divorce cases. Two, having an extra pair of ears as well as eyes to help catch details and subtleties is good for more numbers- or legal- based cases like estates, probate, and finances. Three, two mediators can work off of each other to ensure clarity, proofread documents, and increase endurance.

Technical

Sometimes the importance of location can be lessened to a degree if the mediator has teleconference or video conference abilities (Zoom, Skype, etc.). Today’s technology can accommodate mediation and while not ideal, it’s better than not mediating at all or using an inappropriate mediator. Of course, this depends on your ability to “distance conference”, but some local libraries offer accommodations.

The Six Stages of Mediation

Updated: November 20, 2020

The mediation process consists of six stages: consultation, the sit-down, the opening, communication, problem-solving, and closing/continuation.

If you’re thinking about using mediation, it’s a good idea to get a basic outline of mediation and this is what you can expect.

The Six-Step Mediation Process

1.       Consultation

The first thing you should do is call/contact a mediator or mediation service, which is usually a company dedicated to conflict management and/or mediation. The goal here is five-fold:

• To clarify your case to the mediator/service so that they can determine if mediation is appropriate

• To understand their specific processes such as scheduling, payment structure, mediation model, etc.

• Determine cost of mediation, who is billed, how cost is shared by parties

• Qualifications of mediator(s)

• Expectations. Talk about what you want out of a mediation and what may come out it. If you agree to mediation, then the mediator (or coordinator) will talk with the other party. If they agree to mediation, then an agreement to mediate will be sent to each party for their review and signatures.

 2.       The Sit-Down

Once a mediation session is scheduled (about 4 hours in length) the parties and mediator meet at an agreed location to participate in the mediation. The location should be private, quiet, and safe for all parties.

3.       Opening

The mediator will provide an opening statement that may include procedural rules, logistics (restrooms, breaks, breakout caucus time, water/drinks, good faith, etc.), main talking points, etc. This is to get all parties on the same page and begin the mediation

4.       Communication

Parties put forth their concerns in front of each and the mediator and ask questions, vent frustrations, argue their case, listen, and voice whatever their feel relevant. The goal is to get everything on the table for all to consider.

5.       Problem Solving

The mediator may then transition* the parties to think about what might help each other achieve their interest(s). Some call this the Negotiation phase, but this indicates that parties have solutions and are willing to give/take portions of each. In Problem Solving, the mediator can help the parties develop new, innovative, creative ways to overcome the dispute in which they are engaged. Some proposed solutions may be non-starters, others may seem great but fold under “reality check” by the mediator.  Both steps 4 and 5 may have private caucuses (meetings) between one party and the mediator.

6.       Closing/Continuation 

If an agreement is reached, and the mediator determines there is no bad faith within it, then the parties can sign a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) stating that they will adhere to its provisions. If no agreement is reached at the end of the session, a new session can be scheduled, or the parties can withdraw from mediation. If the case was court-referred, then the mediator will issue a letter stating that the parties attempted mediation with no agreement that can be given to the court.

 These are the main steps. Each case is unique and requires open communication with the mediator or mediation service. Using mediation as a leverage tool does not work; mediators see through this and consider it “bad faith”, thus refusing mediation. As the goal of mediation is to help parties resolve problems and come to agreements, it is up to the parties to determine how important that is and how committed they are to the process.

* Depending on the mediation and the mediator, a transition can be obvious, subtle, or progressive.

Five Pillars of Conflict

The Five Pillars of Conflict support a conflict or dispute against attempts at understanding and resolution. Young conflicts have one or two of these. If unchecked, more pillars tend to arise. As time goes by, these pillars can become thicker and more sturdy, making it more difficult to remove them. But, it can still be done. The first step is understanding each in order to identify them as they are constructed. 

Assigning Motivation

Many times, we don’t know why somebody did, or said, something (or didn’t), yet we have a need to know. Some inner drive requires an explanation, we just can’t seem to accept “no reason”. So, we make up the reason, and may even make a game out of it. Sometimes, what we conjure up is pretty accurate. Most times, however, it is not. Creating your own narrative for someone else’s actions is bad enough, but it triggers a domino effect. It affects your view of the situation, your perception of the person, your view of that person’s future actions, and the relationship between you and them. Those are just the tip of the iceberg, too. Needless to say, Trust is damaged.

Problem from Person

A common, almost routine, misstep in problem solving and discussion. Once the focus shifts to a person and away from the problem, conflict can escalate. This comes in several forms, from name-calling to ridicule to attacking the integrity of a messenger. Yet, it’s so easy to fall into this rut and difficult to get out as it almost always creates a cycle of personal attacks. Meanwhile, the problem persists, grows, becomes more intractable.

You may find yourself taking personal offense to others’ disagreement to your belief, argument, or viewpoint. Even if they stick to the topic, you may still feel personally slighted. Separate the two internally.

Interest and Position

A position is how you argue; the interest is why you’re arguing in the first place. These aren’t easy to differentiate or identify. Usually, we take a position that we think will win an argument. Debates are built around this format in that participants try to persuade others to accept their argument. This leads to dedication to “winning” and increasingly less attention is given to the actual interest. What you want trumps why you want it. If you win an argument, do you really achieve your interest?

Loaded and Toxic Language

Ostensibly the easiest pillar to identify: Name-calling, vulgarity, personal attacks, passive aggression are a few examples. However, not-so obvious toxicity exists in abundance. Leading and loaded questions, false conclusions, lying, sarcasm, and rhetorical questions can put others on the defensive and reduce trust. A good example is in the question, “where are you going so fast?”  Well, by responding with a location, you’ve just admitted to going “so fast”.  It’s a leading question; leading you to admit something. It takes a careful eye/ear to pick up on such examples. Using such language inhibits open conversation and trust.

Intent vs. Impact

This ties into Assigning Motivation. Intent is something only one person knows. And sometimes, not even that many. We may not know why something was done or said. Knee-jerk reactions, unconscious bias, instincts, etc. can all play a part.  But there is a subtle yet important distinction between what we intend with our actions/words and how others receive them (impact). Many legal jurisdictions understand this distinction (for example, there are 3 different murder charges, plus a couple manslaughter charges, based on intent). This doesn’t mean that any impact is false or unjust—somebody accidentally killed is still dead. Any offense taken is still taken, even if none were intended. But, moving past the incident is much easier if the intent and impact are clarified and accepted.

The Miscommunication of Rapinoe's Charge

Megan Rapinoe, co-captain of the 2019 United States Women National Soccer Team (who won the World Cup, the Golden Boot, and the Golden Ball trophies), had an inspiring and interesting challenge to everyone. It’s brevity stands in sharp contrast to the time it would take to achieve its goal. Because, while it sounds like a simple challenge, in reality it is extremely difficult.

Let’s review it first: “This is my charge to everyone: We have to be better. We have to love more. Hate less. We got to listen more and talk less. It's our responsibility to make the world a better place.”

Now, let’s break it down a bit:

We have to be better —This seems to mean that we need to be better people, which means that there’s an objective standard that no one knows and everyone thinks they know. What is it to be better as a person? This is debatable, and a distraction to her point, in my opinion. What is a more digestible translation of “be better” is “to be better at” doing something, which follows in the next sentence.

We have to love more – This makes love sound like a choice, and to love a command. Call me romantic, but I don’t think love (platonic or intimate) can be assigned or controlled.  Loving more would be great, but it just isn't up to us, unless she means love ourselves more, and that has some profound implications. Maybe we lash out at others because we need to project our self-doubt on external entities. Love thyself sounds kind of ethereal and airy; but if we called it "accept ourselves--with willingness to improve", then maybe that achieves the same goal Rapinoe holds. 

We have to hate less –This isn’t the same as loving more, though. Hate is a term thrown around a lot with little understanding. Most “haters” on the Internet don’t really hate. Very few people actually hate broccoli or the New England Patriots. Hate isn’t disagreement, an aversion, a discomfort, or a distaste. It’s not even dis-like or indifference. Hate is an active, sub-conscious drive. It’s an identity cornerstone: A part of someone’s identity is driven by an internal force. Hating less is ideal; it requires insight and understanding. This is a difficult charge from her. Luckily, not many people have that inner hate energy. However, they do have a deep frustration over disagreement of values, which is often seen as hate. 

Listen more – Perhaps the most difficult charge. Listening is not the same as hearing. It requires an acceptance of a message (not necessarily agreement). It is absent of judgment and bias. It means listening to things with which you disagree, and which may even offend you, either on purpose of accidental.  It also means to keep listening and not think of a retort, or speak, or interrupt in any way. If you’re thinking or talking, then you’re not listening.  This is not easy. Active listening is a good way to ensure that you are listening, and it takes practice. Frustrating practice.

Active listening also communicates to the speaker that, yes, you actually are listening to them. How many times have you said, thought, or heard “you aren’t even listening to me”?  Having someone not listening to you escalates the tension. Yelling is an expected next step—discussing the original topic becomes increasingly less likely. An aim of active listening is to accurately determine the meaning of the message in a way that you understand. To do that, you must be active. In simple terms, you restate what you heard back to the speaker. This serves two purposes: 1) invites/requests clarity, 2) demonstrates listening.  “If I heard you correctly….”, “I hear you saying…is this correct?”  These are different than “you said….”, or “so, you’re saying”. Communicate to them what you heard, don't tell them what they said, and DO NOT REPEAT what they said word for word. You’re not a parrot. Use your own words—maybe you don’t restate their message accurately. Maybe they didn’t say exactly what they mean and hearing it from another’s perspective might give them an opportunity to re-think it.

The point is to achieve accuracy, so this may take a few more minutes.Using your own words also helps to uncover the interest, or the focal point. It re-centers conversation around the issue instead of a person. 

Talk less – This goes against Dr. Hawking’s insistence that we keep talking. I don’t actually know what Rapinoe meant; only she does, and I have no way to engaging in active listening with her (I can hope, though!). I took it to mean talk less as a way to argue, ridicule, and demean, and more as a way to exchange ideas, thoughts, and concerns. Talk less to avoid interruption (see above), talk more to clarify messages.

It’s our responsibility to make the world a better place. That’s Herculean. But we can go ahead and invoke the gist of JFK’s Moonshot speech; we choose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.  It’s going to take work—mostly on the part of ourselves battling our inner outbursts, biases, and gut reactions. We will be challenged by people trying to do the same, and even more challenged by those who are not. It’s up to us how we choose to engage and respond. Problem solving, overcoming challenges, constructing unity, and are all based on communication, and that starts with you.For more information on active listening, conflict management, and communication, visit OvalOptions.com

Dialogue in Craft Brewing

What is dialogue, really?

Dialogue can be a tangled mess

Two recent Twitter threads can hopefully serve as catalysts to much needed problem solving in the craft beer community (and perhaps American society). BeerKulture and TheThirstyWench published articles and shared them on Twitter. Recapping them here will not do them justice. (Very) basically, the latter took on misogyny and the former racism.  Some interesting twittering followed. There were several calls for conversations to take place to address and fix the these social abominations.

On the surface, it is great to know that people are pushing for dialogue.  My worry, though, is that "dialogue" is not fully appreciated for what it is, what it does, and what it takes. There is no magic wand to make things "right" or get rid of the nastiness. Just talking in a group won't do; if not done properly, then things can get worse. Still, success isn't impossible. We can tackle difficult subjects and inspire, if not bring about, positive change through talking and listening*. It takes hard, dedicated work that will provoke intense reactions. What the craft beer community seems to want is Dialogue (with a capital "D").

"Dialogue" has been conflated with restorative justice methods, debate, discussion, conversation, and other practices. If it's anybody's fault, we are to blame; the conflict management community for not speaking up. This is the main reason for this article.

So, what is Dialogue? As a conflict management specialist, there are varying models. My former workplace, @Meta-Culture, utilizes one model for interfaith Dialogue. We engage other models depending on the situation. The @PubDialogues uses a "pop-up", world cafe model. But they all share core principles, and start out as tangled messes, like some of the utility poles I saw in India (actually, the one above is in Kathmandu).

Dialogue is different than debate (where arguments are presented and a “winner” is chosen). It is not advocacy or a platform. It does not lead participants to a presumed solution. Grandstanding is not tolerated. People don't talk over others. The goal of Dialogue is to solve a problem, not force arguments. It is a facilitated group effort to overcome challenges at their core. Why facilitated? Without an experienced facilitator, well-intentioned conversations can turn into rallies, partiality, bullying and unchecked aggression. Topics of conversation would tend to be myopic or unfocused, cluttered or quiet. A facilitator tracks ideas, allows everyone a voice, utilizes conflict management techniques, provides clarity and keeps things civil. 

Dialogue requires more than discussing something, talking over an issue or airing grievances. In order to effectively engage in problem-solving, some things need to happen:

• Understand the problem (REALLY understand it)

• Make sure the problem is not a symptom of other problems

• Understand those other problems

• Identify those affected

• Communicate ideas for solutions

This isn't all, but sustained Dialogue is the best way to get started.

The craft beer community may just be the most suitable community for Dialogue efforts on social issues.  It is collaborative, social, passionate, and connected. So, is the craft beer community ready for dialogue? Because things can get dicey right out of the gate and steam can be lost quickly. Those Twitter threads, when looked at through a conflict management perspective, reinforce this question.

Dialogue is challenging, difficult, frustrating, straining, rewarding and most likely not what is expected. Each participant may feel like walking out at some point. The phrase, "I just don't understand why we're talking about this thing" will be uttered. So will, "that's a stupid question" and "no, no...you're so wrong". Dialogue is not straight forward. It takes time, patience, energy and sacrifice.

The core of Dialogue is inquiry. Questions. Lots of them. And lots of different types of, and motives for, questions. Some seek information while others are designed to challenge current thinking. Some may seem easy, silly, defensive, dumb, aggressive, offensive or redundant. Every question asked in a dialogue is important and should not be dismissed. This can challenge listening*.

I could preface a Dialogue by saying, “now, try not to be offended” or “don’t take this the wrong way”. Well, to me, these suppress valuable information. Plus, I can’t tell you how to feel, or judge your feelings. Expect to be offended; just say so and we can address it. There will be a lot of "why" questions; the simplest, most annoying question ever—and most useful.

So, with this in mind, let’s look at an example of the types of questions that may be asked in a Dialogue for the craft beer community. Here’s a “simple” one.

What is racism?

I’m guessing your first thought is to define it. That’s fine.

Merriam-Webster

1:         a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

2          a: a doctrine or political program based on the assumption of racism and designed to execute its principles

             b: a political or social system founded on racism

3:         racial prejudice or discrimination

Well, the definition is just one part. It doesn’t explain a whole lot. What else is racism? Rodney King being beaten by cops? Yes, that’s an example. What else IS racism? Let’s look at it from other angles:

• Could it be a response to something? What?

• What about a symptom? Of what?

• What does it require?

• Is it taught, otherwise learned or biological?

• Where does it exist? Not exist?

• When, how did it start?

• What purpose does it serve?

• How do some people think of it as good? Why?

• Is it an action, notion, idea, or something else?

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Responses to these questions will likely give rise to other questions. And the Dialogue can go like this for quite a while. Some take months or years. So, craft beer community, that's a basic introduction to Dialogue. If this is what you want, fan-frickin-tastic!  We're ready to help.

*Listening is more than just hearing the words of someone else. It requires an understanding of what someone is saying, why they are saying it, how they feel about it and the point they are trying to make. It also involves clarifying what you hear and interpret. It's a difficult skill to master, which is why having facilitators helps in a group setting.