Behind the Dialogues: Part 4

The GoalThe Pub Dialogues series is our vehicle to highlight that open, honest and civil conversations are possible during difficult circumstances.  We hope people will see how disagreeing with someone does not prohibit discussion, conversation and dialogue.   Honest Dialogue is not easy; it takes time, effort and even some pain. However, the benefits are fantastic for those involved and, indirectly, the world at large.The Pub Dialogues aim to:

• (Re-) Introduce interpersonal communication skills
• Help people address contentious topics and understand differing view-points
• Showcase how people with opposing view-points can engage in constructive conversation without reverting to debate and animosity
• Bring awareness to the importance of open discussion and its salience with social, political and cultural issues
• Entice people to have more conversations face-to-face in a civil and open manner (with local pubs and businesses in mind for the setting)
• Offer an opportunity for people to learn from each other

We want to change the world.  Delusions of grandeur to be sure. Still, we follow a common platitude, ‘if you want to change the world, start with yourself’.  The practitioners at OvalOptions have taken this rather difficult first step.  While we are far from perfect, we turned the focus of conflict resolution skills on ourselves first to view firsthand the changes, understanding and personal development they afford.  Our dedication to these skills is strong, and our passion to avail them to others is resilient.  The Pub Dialogues series is one way we can share our skills with others, for free, and open to all.Part 1Part 2Part 3

Behind the Dialogues, Part 3

The PubThroughout the centuries, people have met at the local pub to discuss topics of importance. The founding fathers of the U.S. met in pubs to discuss the fate of the colonies, allegiance with Britain, and the desire for independence.  These pubs usually brewed their own beer, as did the founding fathers. During Prohibition, these pubs closed, brewing became a lost art, and the communal conversation forgotten.Thankfully, brewpubs are back.  They combine the comfort of the old pubs and the beer styles of a new generation of adventurous brew-masters.  Most of these establishments are small businesses, locally owned, and part of the community.  They make a profit from their passion, and their passion is to make and serve great beer—the social lubricant of the ages.The pub offers a relaxed atmosphere. Some have leather chairs and fireplaces. Others have outside or rooftop patios.  Some offer delicious meals and snacks.  Pubs are a night out, a place to meet people, people watch, and to have conversations.  As the theme song for the 1980s-90s sitcom, “Cheers”, states:

You wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your name.

The pub is a safe space where inhibitions are set loose, at least a bit.  And you just might learn something… Part 1Part 2Part 4

Behind the Dialogues...

Part 1: Out of the chat room, into the pub If you have ever witnessed an online conversation that quickly moves off topic and turns into name-calling animosity, then you will understand the primary motive for The Pub Dialogues. This type of online bickering is quite annoying, and when about important topics it gets us nowhere and impedes progress.  Chatter is destroying conversation.  Face-to-face conversation is vital for learning, dispute resolution, problem solving, and progress.Conversations about important and sensitive topics are not always easy, especially when involving opposing viewpoints.  Emotions can run high.  People tend to voice their concerns without listening to others, and engage in debate, where winning is the goal.  However, conversations are not zero-sum; there is no winner or loser.  Just because someone has a different opinion does not mean they (or we) are wrong….or right.During these difficult conversations, it is important to adhere to certain principles or rules. Easier said than done, but skilled facilitators can help. A facilitator is a neutral party who utilizes certain techniques, skills and methods to keep interlocutors on topic, respectful and engaged.  It is important that facilitators capture ideas that emerge (sometimes quite quickly), points of commonality, areas of disagreement, and clarify statements/questions that may be confusing.The Internet has no such facilitator. Online communication is raw, instant and commonly unchecked. This style of communication seeps into real-life situations, where offense, confusion and emotions can increase enmity, polarization and stagnation. Online behavior in real-world situations is ugly. It’s time to return to the social scene and talk. Read Part 2 here

Resolving Disputes When Logic Collides with Emotion

(Part I of a Three Part Series)We’ve all seen the ad: the stunning model snuggled up to the nerdy, disheveled genius – and we giggle at the dichotomy. But when we deal with conflict between those of us who are “logical” and those of us who are “emotional,” it’s no laughing matter. (For this discussion, let’s focus on the stereotypically obvious, though either gender can have one or both personality traits.)“Facts & Figures” People (“F&F”) revels in his verifiable, tangible data. For him, emotion is secondary; he’s tabulated the correct value of the inheritance, quantified the relevant ratios of a business deal, or the tax ramifications of taking the house in a divorce. To him, his calculations are irrefutable; to question his numbers is to question his integrity, to disrespect his intelligence.“Achy/Breaky’” People (“A/B”) on the other hand, are emotional - feelings based; the numbers be damned – the issue is what’s right or what’s fair. To her, the house isn’t an “asset” – it’s home, pseudosacred – an integral part of her world. To award the house to the other spouse or to suggest its sale is an outrage – it’s wrong. To reject an A/B person’s proposal is to reject her (or him). Usually, the A/B person’s demand is unreasonably high – and I guarantee it’s outside the scope of what F&F has considered. This is because the numbers don’t really matter: it’s what she feels she is owed – at least in her opinion.The problem arises when these two people must interact – as a couple, co-workers, or as employer/employee. Facts & Figures people don’t have time for emotional silliness. They know that in a business deal, workplace dispute or lawsuit, somebody pays or gets paid; they’ve figured out their chances of success or failure, and just want to get on with the business of the bottom line – which means - the numbers that they have already crunched; end of discussion.Achy/Breaky people on the other hand, aren’t sure what they want as a conflict outcome – it depends upon how they feel at the moment: if they’ve been cut out of the will, they feel abandoned, insecure – so, they feel entitled to what whatever they need. If their spouse left them for another, they may be angry and frightened for their financial future. They deserve to be justly compensated for the years of selfless devotion to that miserable soon-to-be ex-spouse. If the boss has given someone else the profitable new project, the A/B person needs vindication. Think of it as “comfort resolution,” – kind of like a warm gooey brownie and a glass of milk at 10pm…In part II, we offer suggestions for the Facts and Figures Person to move forward productively in a dispute with an Achy/Breaky person.Continue to Part II: Cheet Sheet for Facts and Figures Person

The Story Behind Oval Options

The majority of research in our field of practice revolves around academic study and theories. These theories suggest that people should always sit at a round table -- both literally and figuratively. They suggest that all decision makers should be present at meetings and that power and other factors should be balanced evenly among all participants in the process. You’ll even find that our competition often refers to “round-table solutions.” We see a round table as a very idealistic approach to conflict. Although we have a round table in our office, we recognize that a round, balanced table is an option, and even something to strive for, but it is rarely the reality in conflict. If differing power dynamics didn’t exist, the conflict probably wouldn’t either. It is our job to work with the situation that is presented and help our clients find the most realistic and appropriate resources. With these factors in mind we chose an Oval to represent our company and the processes we use, because it more accurately displays the imperfections of the world in which we work. Finally, options are what we offer our clients. We don’t offer only one type of service, such as mediation or facilitation, but rather a whole spectrum of services. Consumers don’t often research our services before they find themselves in conflict, and when you’re in conflict, you may find it difficult to take the time to consider your options. We take pride in our understanding of the field and our ability to educate prospective clients on our products, as well as when other options, such as the legal system, might be most appropriate. We will explain your options and allow you to make a more informed decision about what is right for you in your situation.